Greetings, Brain Exchangers!
Yesterday, I spent some time developing a new way to write English. This table should give you all you need to know to read it.
I know what you’re thinking: “that’s awesome, Ben! Can I touch your sexy body?”
And you’re right; it is awesome. But hands off my sexy body (unless you’re [REDACTED]). It might all seem like gobbledygook at first, but even in the few sentences of it you’ve read so far, chances are you’re already starting to pick it up. It’s easy; that’s the point.
If you’ve been paying particularly close attention, you might have noticed that some words could conceivably be spelt in a number of different ways. For instance, “chance” could be çäns or çáns. Both are easily understood, but now we have the added advantage of being able to indicate which pronunciation we intend, unambiguously!
Now it might sound like I can’t shut up about how great this orthography is. “There are doubtless disadvantages,” you might say. And, once again, you are correct (aren’t you a clever little sausage?). The most obvious disadvantage of this system is that the histories of and relationships between words are made as opaque as they are in speech. But everyone understands speech without any serious problems, so the fundamental purpose of language — communication — is in no way harmed. Plus, imagine how easily children and non-native learners could pick up English spelling!
I’m under no illusion that my new orthography will ever find widespread use, but you have to admit, it’s a pretty cool idea. Well, you don’t have to, but it would be nice if you at least pretended to.